fear has a way of de-railing - and in my recent experiences - it did just that ... yes, the first response was - that i won't be able to accomplish what i want if i don't feel better - now! - that i'll lose financial opportunities, or some cosmic race at understanding something - but more subliminally, is the notion that i'm aging and learning about limitations i don't care to admit to - that can't be fixed by a convertible or beach side studio [i'm not convinced about the studio notion] - that despite my denial, i'm not invincible - and this lymes thing has done serious, sometimes fatal damage to people bigger, stronger, smarter, and richer than myself - and that ticks are a non-discriminating insect - and yes, Elisabeth, i did blame myself - thinking that if i wasn't outside, blissfully working on paintings [like i always do] on that particular day between march and november - that particular tick would not have bitten me - mmm - for me, that's how funny fear can be ...
i rarely anger anymore [on a soul level] - but in the same way the fox, with her cubs in the woods, will let out a snarl or a growl to let me know i'm getting a little too close to the things that are important to her - i sometimes respond from base instincts ... if i don't heed her warning - or if i challenge her - there might be consequences - thank heavens we have the capacity to reason - and if that option fails; watchful vigilance is usually reduced to reaction against what we perceive as a threat - which adrenalizes, distorts, and compounds all those irrational fears - taking it to a new level of dominos ...
and i've got to remember, that a snarl from a bear is perceived differently than one from a fox ...
anyway, perspective is good - even for an abstractionist ...
